Datuk? Tuan? Cikgu? - Just Call Me Bro

Just quite recently, Federal CID Director, Comm Datuk Christopher Wan said there is no need to address our men in blue as Datuk or Tuan. We can just call them Encik. But I prefer to call them Bro. Just yesterday, I had an encounter with a Bro. I was driving along the LDP near Puchong and then suddenly a traffic policeman (Bro) on a high powered Honda waved to me and instructed me to pull over. As a law abiding citizen, I then pulled over and stopped at the road shoulder. Even though I'm a law abiding citizen, my mind was still thinking, "Did I do anything wrong?". But clearly, I did not. So I pulled out my wallet to get my driver's licence and to check how much money I have just in case I have to 'use' some money. The Bro then asked me to open up my car bonnet. I stepped out of the car to see what he wants and just to make sure he didn't put anything inside my car bonnet. But I can see that the Bro was quite disappointed when there's nothing illegal in my car bonnet. Then I asked him,

Me: Ya Bro. Apa problem?
Bro: Tak de. Nak check bonnet saja. Saya selalu buat random check.
Me: Oohh.
Bro: IC, lesen semua saya tak mau tengok. Saya mau tengok bonnet saja.
Me: Ok (Stunned!!)

How can the Bro not follow the normal procedures where he should check whether I have a valid driving licence or if my road tax is still valid? After all, he's a traffic cop. But I guess this Bro is more interested in what's in my car bonnet rather than if I should be on the road or not. Kudos Bro!!! So, to all of you out there who has an expired driving licence or road tax, there is no need to worry as our Bro is more interested in some other things.

Can You Spot The Difference?

Do you really want to have a smart car? Personally, I don't mind if i can get one for free but to buy one is out of the question. Its so fucking expensive for a car of that size. But it is powerful, clean and economical. Most important is, it can be driven comfortably in the city where there's so much traffic and so little parking space. Talking about parking, a smart for two car can be parked anyway you liked. It can be parked vertically, horizontally and any 'ly' you want.

Food And Beverage Measuring Device

Ever wish that the food or drinks you have ordered would be worth it? That the food or drink would come in a large portion and taste good? We can often tell whether the food tastes good or not but can you really tell whether the amount of food is worth it or not? If you finished the food, can you say that the quantity of the food is less or if you didn't finish the food, then the quantity of the food is more? Obviously we can't tell because there are going to be so many factors that we have to consider right? BUT, lest not we worry anymore whether the quantity of the food will be worth it or not because our beloved Donz has came up with an ingenius way (up to his standard only la) to measure food!!!

I just came back from Penang yesterday, and the first person who called me when I reached home was, none other than the great Donz himself. He called me out to have dinner. And we went to a Hong Kong styled kopitiam. This is where it gets really interesting. As Donz was browsing the menu, he complained that the menu was too intensive. He just can't make up his mind on what to eat as there are just too many items for him to choose.And after a lot of 'wows' and 'oohs', donz finally made up his mind to have the sizzling chicken chop combo that comes with a soup of the day, a main course, drinks and dessert. The first item to arrive on the table was the watermelon juice. And not to my surprised, Donz complained. This time it was the straw. As the straw is as thick as Donz' dick, he said it is better not to have the straw at all. Same goes to your dick too, Donz. And then, the soup was next. He was showing his tulan face when the waiter presented him with the soup. The soup, he said was not filled to the 'acceptable' level (please refer picture below). And this is also the point where he took his Pall Mall ciggie box and placed it next to the soup to sort of compare the size of the soup with the ciggie box. And this is what I would call the 'Donz Method of measuring food'. This fuck head is measuring food with a ciggie box (20's)!!!

Complaint number 1: The menu is too intensive. And if you are like Donz, where you IQ is sub-zero, do not attempt to browse the menu. It will kill your brain cell.

Donz' watermelon juice. Please take a close look at the thickness of the straw.

Complaint number 2: The size of the straw is exactly the size of Donz' dick.

Tataaa.... The 'Donz Method'. Just place the ciggie box next to your food and you'll know whether it's worth all your penny. According to Donz, the level of the soup is unacceptable. And this is complaint number 3.

And the soup of the day failed miserably in the 'Donz Method' according to the master himself.

According to the 'Donz Method', any food that is 5 times larger than his ciggie box will be considered as in a large portion and anything that is smaller than the ciggie box, well, will be considered as small portion and not worth it. In the 'Donz Method', the quality of the food doesn't matter. What matters the most is the quantity. To apply the 'Donz Method', you will only need a ciggie box and place it next to you food and compare the size of the food with the ciggie box. A 20's ciggie box. It can be of any brands. Not only Pall Mall. It can be Dunhill, Marlboro, Salem, Gudang Garam. But Donz prefer Pall Mall. I guess the Nobel prize judges will be testing out the 'Donz Method' soon and I'm sure the human race will benefit most from this method. And because of this Donz will be the most deserving person to receive the Nobel Prize.

This is me trying out the 'Donz Method'. And Donz gave his nod to this drink. I'm just so pleased that I've made the right choice in choosing this drink where it's worth all my money.

So, after having the soup, then came the main course. The sizzling chicken chop. And what you need to do before devouring your food?? Yeah, you have to place the ciggie box next to the food to know whether it's worth it or not!! But as Donz was about to taste the chicken chop, he noticed he should have a garlic bread but it's not given to him. So he swings into action and confront the waiter. And Donz was very tulan that he couldn't have the garlic bread with his small size soup as he already finished the soup. Anyway, the waiter came back with Donz' garlic bread and also the dessert. And the first thing that you need to do when the food arrives??

Complaint number 4: "I should have the garlic bread with the soup and I've already finished the soup!!!!" OK, lets see how the garlic bread and dessert do in the "Don'z Method". Failed!!!!

Complaint number 5: Where the fuck is the fork and knife?? You supposed I'm gonna eat with my fucking hands???

Apparently, the sizzling chicken chop also failed the 'Donz Method'


Donz showing his tulan face and also acting like a food critic.

Donz enjoying the garlic bread minus the soup.

All being said and tested, Donz managed to finish everything because all the food failed the 'Donz Method', meaning it's all in a small portion!!!.

Victim 1


Victim 2


Victim 3

Please feel free to try out the Donz method. What you really need is only a ciggie box. And before we left, Donz also checked out on the tissue.

Pass or fail?

An Encounter With A Bastard

I just couldn't agree more with erimin's comments about our government's stand to improve its service. Erimin is just giving his usual slapstick comments about the government's "semangat-ness" to become more competitive or whatever shit. You see, we as Malaysian also hope that the government service will become better and better that maybe one day we'll say "how come the bank's service is so poor. I wish they'll serve like our civil servants." But I don't blame erimin for his "tak semangat-ness" in supporting our government because some of them just let us down, I mean very down. Just today, I had an encounter with a bastard named Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai!

I went to a government's department today to meet someone. After meeting the client, he told me that maybe I should also meet one of his colleagues at the next building. So after meeting the first client, I went into the car and called the next client in the next building. But as the phone reception was very minimal, I have to drive around that place to look for a better reception. But then, no one answered the phone. So I decided to park the car and go into the building to look for the client. As I was about to turn into the parking lot, a smashed up Proton Saga was waiting at the junction and the driver ( Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai) came out from the car and shouted:

Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai: Oooi kenapa pusing pusing??? Kalau you mau parking parking sajalah!!!! Apa pusing pusing!!! You pusing lagi say panggil security you baru tau!!!
Me: Saya mau cari orang Encik. Line sini tak bagus. Saya call dia tapi takde orang jawab. Jadi sekarang saya mau parking dan masuk building itulah.
Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai: You mau parking, you parking!!! You jangan pusing pusing. Apa you pusing pusing????
Me: Sekarang saya mau parkinglah. Sorry ya encik.
Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai: Pergi!!! Pergi!!!!!!(Back facing me)
Me:Sorrylah encik.
Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai: Pergi!!!(Back facing me)

He was just yelling all the time. I was so mad!!! Because all I did was parked the car at one side of the road where the phone reception was good and made a call and then moved the car into the parking lot. That was it!!! And this fuckkhead just came out of no where and started to yell at me!!! I managed to have a glimpse at his pass. His name is Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai and his position is PAR a.k.a Pembantu Am Rendah!!!! Pembantu Am Rendah and he's acting like the fucking director!!! I was so hoping that I could meet this fuckhead at the main entrance so that I could kick his ass!!That was not it. When I returned the visitor's pass at the security booth, the security guys asked me what I did just now as someone just scolded them that there was a visitor who parked at the director's parking spot. What the fuck???? First of all, I was so fucking innocent and then the fuckhead actually accused me of parking at the director's spot??? Then I told the security guards what actually happened and their hospitality level were so fucking high that they apologized to me and said that the fuckhead is one ego bastard who didnt go to school. Just imagine this, I was there on business purposes. I went in legally by putting my IC with the security guard and I have a visitor's pass on me. It's not like I went in there illegaly. Then one of the security guard asked;

Security 1:Dia tu (Ismail Pukimak Bin LanCiao bin Cibai) ketua unit ke?
Security 2:Ketua unit apa??? Dia tu potong kayu je (even mimicking a carpenter sawing a wood). PAR, Pembantu Am Rendah.

So, to my beloved government, it's not that I don't want to support you. But how am I gonna do it when a fucking PAR doesn't even know how to respect the people.

7-1??

It's a european tie for god's sake! Not a fucking wrestling match! I really don't believe that MU can beat Roma 7-1. It's just bullshit. Here's my theory, it's a fucking conspiracy. You see, in the first leg, Roma beat them 2-1, and not only that, the MU fans also got quite a beating, from the Rome's police. And I would be telling you a lie if I said I didn't enjoy every second of it. It was great to see MU and their fans got beaten. But then, as the Rome's police were fully utilising their batons on the MU fans, Roma might be in deep shit. They might need to play in an empty stadium for 1 year if the european football governing body found them guilty of incapability to handle the crowds, thus causing crowd troubles. So, in order for them not to be charged , they were told to 'kasi muka' to MU. And matters would get out of hand too if Roma were to beat MU in the second leg, which I do not have a single doubt that they can do it. Because if Roma were to beat MU in the second leg, the MU fans would get so angry that they'll whack any Italians they saw, just like in a mafia movie. And the crowd troubles might spread to all over europe. So Roma have to give in. But that's not the end. They were also told that they have to let in 7 goals so that the MU fans would be extremely delighted that they'll forget about the beatings in Rome. So 7-1 it is. But all of us can see how pissed off the Italians were, even before the match started, especially Totti. Sigh....Anyway, I really hope that MU can advance to the final so that Liverpool can show them how to really play football without involving politics. But then again, I also hope that the Milan police will not fall for the same trick again, staged by the MU fans.

Meow!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, for your information, I'll be going to the most boring place that I've ever been to. Again!!! That place is called Kuching. Sigh Really hope that I'll not get any stinking taxi driver anymore. Because I'll fucking kill them!!!! Just wanna come back even before I go there. Thats how bad it is.

Shoot My Head Please.......

The other day, Donz came to look for me at my place. And as usual, when he reached my place, he'll lit a ciggie and just stand in front of the gate, smoking and cursing my dog (Donz didn't like dogs very much as he was raped by a friend's dog when he was 14). But to his credit, he did try to be nice to my dog before, but come to think of it, maybe he wants to be fucked by a dog one more time.

So, he came to my place and he told me he had this migrane for a good few days already. And i suggested to him that he get some panadol actifast that can really work wonders. Then we went to a 7-11 near my place and got some panadols. While at the 7-11, I suddenly had an urge to have ice-cream. And Donz being Donz, of course he also want an ice-cream. So the two of us just like some fucking kids, ended up having ice-cream outside 7-11 and of course it has to be complimented with a stick of Dunhill for Donz. Next to the 7-11 is a mamak. And it has a burger stall. I told Donz that I wouldn't get any Ramly burgers from this stall. And Donz asked me why? Have you ever seen or would you ever get a ayam special prepared by an errr..... Indian???

While we were enjoying the ice-cream, suddenly two or three vans and a fucking lorry pulled up at the mamak with the sound of screeching tyres. Its like a scene from the Young and Dangerous flick or some Hong Kong triad movie where some gangsters are about to smash the mamak stall and also the mamak. Guys with walkie talkie then came out from the vans. Any innocent bystanders would think that these are some new village gangsters. But gangsters don't come with uniforms!!! These are actually enforcement officers from the municipality!!!! They came to confiscate all the tables and chairs placed outside the restaurants. And also the burger stall. There are officers taking pictures of the place as well. Kononlah. And straight away I told Donz that they wouldn't even take a stone from this place. It was a funny scene. We can see customers of the mamak stall carrying the tables and chairs with food and drinks on the table into the restaurants. But one guy stood firm. It was the burger flipping Indian guy. He was still so busy flipping burgers that he ignored the enforcement officers. But then he quickly flipped the burgers and hurrily pushed the burger stall to the back lane. And guess what was our beloved Donz doing at this very moment? He was taking photo with his camera phone with flash somemore. And I can see some enforcement officers noticed that Donz was taking pictures. And what I fear is that Donz's ass will get kicked by these guys because obviously they came not to confiscate some plastic tables and chairs. Ooohh, and the burger stall too.Anyhow, they came, they saw and they left. They took something but not the plastic tables and chairs, oopps, and the burger stall. It was back to business as usual after errrr....15 minutes?? After all this, Donz finally took the panadol and his headache was gone in less than 15 minutes.