What to do?

Next week I'll be going on a business trip to Kuching, Sarawak. Kuching has a city status. Well, my definition for a city is it should have:
1) Great shopping malls where a lot of hot babes hang out there
2) A lot pubs
3) Karaoke
4) Brothels
5) A lot of hot chicks

If we add all those things that I mentioned up there, you'll get 1+2+3+4+5 = Excellent night life
But I'm really sad to say that Kuching doesn't meet my requirements of having a great night life. It sucks!!! In fact, it sucks BIG TIME. It's a dead town for fuck's sake. What you can do there is :

1) Go to some Ah Kau Supermarket Sdn Bhd where most of the babes looked like your granny (no disrespect here)
2) Go to Restaurant Bapak Kamu for a drink where all the patrons are Gwai Lohs and Gwai Pohs. You think damn cool rite to have so many foreigners at some bistro that maybe you can get on to something. Let me tell you this, they are old enough to be your great grandmother!!!!
3) Go to your hotel's bathroom and sing yourself out loud.
4) Jerk yourself off in your own damn hotel room while thinking of the old foreign lady you met at Restaurant Bapak Kamu
5) Try to come back to KL as soon as you touched down at the new Kuching International Airport.

These are my tips when you are planning to go to some place that you'll feel alone and there's nothing much to do.